Free Fall

last step and leap..no safety net. no chute. must remember to breath. tears start to flow. mind starts running. fear sets in. i'm floating. i'm praying. will my body keep fighting as it is suppossed to? will the fog clear? will i remember the importance of everyday? i will pray for strength and calm. how tired i am of this battle. no more meds. finally. a chance for my body to rest. the fear of the unknown. i must have faith. my body is an amazing thing. it keeps healing and fighting. it alows me to be here. oh how much my mind races. how hard it is to compose a thought.....................

in awe

Ever notice how spring can change the way you feel. Today I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of nature it actually brought tears. Standing out in the sunshine looking at all the new life coming up all around me. The incredible detail in nature. From each granual of dirt to the buds on the trees. The blue in the sky, white of the clouds. How creatures you have not seen all winter are such a nice surprise. The sounds the scents the feelings. The feeling of the spring sun on your skin. How it just renews you. How incredible the vision of the lord our God. How much thought he put into every thing. I enjoy visualizing him sitting at a chair in front of a drawing table. Every color imaginable, layed out in front of him. Beautiful music playing in the backround and vison after vision drawn on the paper infront of him before it became actual creation. How much thought would have to be put into the wonderful world we live in. So much beauty. So much variety. Nothing was unimaginable. Nothing. To just flow freely. To feel the energy in life and all things living. In all things around us. Makes my heart race, my eyes widen. everything becomes so clear. everything feels just as it should. contentment........................

Fear or Excitment

I have heard some where fear and excitment feel the same. So what do you do when you are experiencing both at the same time? Logic tells me to go with excitment. Go with the positive emotion. But then there is that nagging feeling that always makes me take a step back. Be careful. Don't set yourself up. So I ask myself what's the difference. Why torture myself with negative thoughts. So what if something doesn't work out. Look at all the time you just wasted on worrying about it. Who knows maybe it will work out. And if it does you really could have just enjoyed your life instead of stressing about it.....sigh Why is this such a hard concept for me........